British Vogue: All its cracked up to be?

After reading Fashionologie’s observations on the bores of US Vogue, and reading some comments about UK Vogue being infinitely better, it reminded me of a hilarious review of the April issue of UK Vogue (pictured left) written by Christopher Shannon in the London fashion tabloid – RAG.  It is of course written in jest but it does make you wonder because I have met a lot of London fashion students who scorn Vogue like no other (whilst I sheepishly admit to liking UK Vogue I do realise it’s not the world’s edgiest magazine.  But perhaps I just appreciate it for what it is).

*WARNING* – EXPLETIVES in the article!

It’s the world’s glossiest glossy but should we practise what it preaches, or pray for the pages of Vogue.

In times of religious tension, where better to turn than the Fashion Bible? This month’s Vogue features everyone’s favourite couture nun – Cocaine Kate – an icon of spirituality if ever there was one.

‘How to Wear White’ – note the purist theme.  And always a magazine to feature an epiphany: ‘The New World of Donatella!’

Flick through to contents: spot Karen Elson sporting ‘Fashion’s New Geometry’.  Who knew there could be such a thing?  To the untrained eye she appears to be sat on a desk in a brown shirt and tie.  I hope next month’s ‘Fashion’s New Pythagorus’ will be more to my understanding.  Apparently ‘the frock’ is having it’s moment, thank God.  After a sudden bout of repetitive page-flicking the ads are over and I can get stuck into the hardcore Vogue content – it is a bible after all and should be treated as sacred.  Vogue’s writers are fashion’s top disciples and I’m willing to hang on their every word.  Pause for another ad: dry hair is big at Dolce.  I generously spray Evian water over the page and hope for the best.  My generosity is not rewarded.  More ads.

Finally, Kim Basinger in a big Miu Miu shoe gives me the strength to continue.  A ‘lesson in lace’ is promised later in the issue.  I dust off my embroidery hook and take a deep breath.  As I begin the pages of catwalk reports I bet myself 50p that the metallic ‘look’ will be included.  What to Wear….Dresses!’ Thank the Lord.  I must tell all those girls I know who’ve been dressing in towelling jumpsuits.  There’s a Jil Sander ad on the next page; I give thanks to Ganesh.  No metallic, I was foolish, "Smart utility is the thing" but, hang on, what about dresses? And ‘New Geometry’?  It’s page 69.

"Fashion heirlooms have the power to transport you back through the generations".  I pause to ask my mum if she still has that old patchwork knit French Connection jumper.  She says she made it into a cushion for the dog. 

Ok, Vogue just caught me out.  Is that a necklace spelling out "cunt"?  It appears it is.  "For most of us, swearing is part of the everyday vernacular."  Speak for yourself you potty-mouthed cunt.  But Sophie Towill’s bull necklace on page 175, is a bold choice and tres bon.

‘How to Wear White’ is not the soul-cleansing overhaul I hoped for.  "Wear white like any other colour" they tell us.  Later, girls in white frocks run around a grassy wood.  This seems ill-advised.  The Lanvin campaign catches my eye: is that Sarah Jessica Parker or one of those Bratz dolls?  It appears to be neither, which I suppose is quite clever.

I reach the Kate Moss article.  I didn’t realise because she was on the cover I had to read about her.  Oh, I don’t, thank God – it’s just pcitures.  Her arse looks good.

Karen Elson and Nick Knight at last reveal the new fashion geometry.  I scan the images immediately and forward them to Steven Hawking.  The newness is very subtle – at one point she has her foot on a projector.

I don’t feel cleansed and I sense a confession coming on.  Fashion is no religion, but it makes me feel like finding God.